I have written first a hopeful profile of someone who is trying to defeat depression, then I admitted to succumbing to falling back into the bottomless hole. In the mean time I have read so many inspiring blogs on how to beat this. There is so much help out there that I am astounded and humbled. At a future date I hope to name all the incredible people who have helped me. Now I guess it is time to get down to basics. My youngest daughter is a heroin addict. She completed a thing called drug court which swiped her plate clean if accomplished. Well she did it, she stayed clean for over a year. It was a long and hard year on both of us. Of course I worried constantly. I have just found out that she has “used” again. I fell on my knees and prayed, I wailed. I confronted her…she said she didn’t ever want to talk to me again, she is 20 years old and my baby.
My Life
Slipping into the Hole…
I’ve felt it for days now, maybe the last couple of weeks. I’m Slipping 😦
Yes, I have stayed on my meds, the ones that have seemed to work for the last 2 or three years just fine. No, there is no major event that has triggered depression and anxiety to rear their ugly heads again. Yes, I have a wonderful support system in my loving husband who is ready to rush home at a moments notice. Just this Slipping.
Then two days ago I couldn’t sleep at all so was up for more than 24 hours and then before I had a chance to sleep the anxiety hit. And I am not talking just a little anxious. I’m saying I thought the world was coming to an end and all my faith flew out the window and I was nothing but scared. So scared I couldn’t breath and my bowels turned to water.
Now I am sitting here after some sleep and hoping this will pass. But am scared of being scared again. Sounds ridiculous to anyone “normal” I’m sure 😦 “Cheer up” and “snap out of it” just don’t cut it right now, nor does “what on earth do you have to be depressed about?”
I have to acknowledge that the Ugly Beast has reared its head again and I just don’t know why. Sure there are the little things to get me down but somehow I am at a loss as to how to handle even the smallest thing. I am amazing myself that I am even able to write this. Maybe it is helping.
Doctor for sure, maybe the hospital but I hope not. I am not so much suicidal as “frozen” frozen with fear and sorrow. The Pit is pulling me in and I’m slipping. God please help me.
Related articles
- Depression Sneaks In (dgrupe.wordpress.com)
You’ll Be Crying Soon
Dancing and Singing
Twirling my Dress
Smiling and Bringing
My Best
But Then I Hear
“You’ll Be Crying Soon”
I Start to Fall
I Crumble
I Know This is It
I go Down…
I don’t know if my mother suspected I was bipolar when I was only four but it fits. You’ll be crying soon was one of the first things I remember her saying to me. Today this translates as you will suffer for your happiness…don’t get too happy or you will fall. I desperately want happiness and yet it scares me, for I am terrified of the consequences.
Much Ado about Something
William Shakespeare once wrote: “There is nothing so common as the wish to be remarkable”,
I went out tonight to meet and have fun with a bunch of wonderful women, a wine tasting party at one of the women’s homes. It was my second time meeting with this group of friendly women who are part of a group of local peers who get together often to socialize.
As with the first outing, I had a lot of fun, felt a great deal of camaraderie that I had been missing for many years due to my social anxiety that kept me from taking any chances.
Although, once again, I had a wonderful time, I ended up feeling drained and somehow ashamed of who I was. There were women from all walks of life attending and I happened to meet a criminal lawyer with whom I connected greatly with. She ended up wanting to get together again for a night out and I was initially joyous at the thought, then the doubts started to settle in.
Why on earth would such an accomplished woman want to spend time with such a loser like me? I hold two undergraduate degrees and have worked in both the public and the private sector for a number of years in IT, but, I am mainly a mother of four who has spent most of her life raising children on my own as my ex husband travelled the globe with the military.
It amazes me, that even when things are going so well, I find a way to feel bad about it, Depression is such a multi-faceted disease. It’s not just about feeling down. It can be about undermining yourself in so many ways. It can be so lonely at times. I mentioned that I was meeting a group of my peers and yet when you are depressed you feel you have no peers or if you do they are miles above you as people.
I believe that social anxiety goes hand in hand with depression often and that is no surprise as when you feel you are nothing there is no reason to think anyone else would think otherwise.
So here I am again, trying to fight the good fight, believe that I am something and have something to offer mankind. I am doing better than I ever have, forcing myself to get out there and conquer my fears, knowing that if I just hide in my shell things will never get better for me.
Just wish I knew why it is so exhausting for me, so draining, so hard. Wish I knew why I hate myself so much….and I’m doing better! LOL
Anyone out there with any thoughts, ideas or similar stories please let me know, this can be such a lonely business….
Serenity (optional)
Today again I make a conscious effort to be happy or at the very least not sad. We all have things in our lives that we cannot control and this stresses us out and puts us in the position where we have to decide how we will react. You might say well if something stresses you out get rid of it but it is not always that easy. It could be you’re worried about your adult children making their own mistakes or your little children being bullied at school. Your elderly parents might live in another country alone and sad and because of job restraints and healthcare issues you are not able to be with them except for brief visits. You may have an illness that you are doing your best to fight but the outcome is not completely in your control. These are just a few examples of things we truly can’t control.
We can try to influence others but ultimately what they do or think is their own decision. I have finally found some peace in accepting this, that the only person you have control over is yourself. With my mind still intact, as far as I know, I can control my reactions to what happens around me even if heartbreaking events occur, oh, and they have occurred, I have had to take the serenity prayer to heart:
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”
This is not only for alcoholics or twelve steppers of any kind, it is good solid advice. Look at what you are first asking for: serenity. We can spend our whole lives looking for that one.
Next is courage because who doesn’t need that to deal with life, and courage can be a tough one. Sometimes we are able to just “bite the bullet” and forge ahead, other times we will need help overcoming our fears enough so that we can forge ahead.
And finally wisdom, if we actively learn our whole lives, not just in the classroom, and not just when we’re young. If we actively learn throughout our entire lives we will find wisdom and get ever closer to serenity.
Eternal Journey
The beginning blog of my eternal journey from RockBottomsUp. I don’t pretend to be a writer or a philosopher or any person of note. What I do presume to be is me. In the middle of my life with many experiences that span the spectrum of good and evil, I am finally finding my way. I would like to share my life. My life has been a story of great pain and great joy, ups and downs to the extreme, but the “up” has finally won. This has been my choice. It can be yours too. Now to try to sleep and mull over this crazy little thing called blog 🙂
RockBottomsUp 